as of May 22, 2013
There is no doubt in my mind that things are different now. I can’t tell if I’m proud of who I am or if I’m disappointed at this point. It’s just that everything changed so quickly, everything happened so suddenly, and now I’m here, almost done with sophomore year, with some of the most bizarre traits I’ve never had when I was in middle school. I’m so different from middle school. I’m so different from elementary school. I’ve grown up, along with my mind, my body, and the society I’ve grown up in. I used to think I was at the top of my game, halfway through this class year. I used to think everything was perfect and that I was doing great. I didn’t slack off in grades, but I slacked off in finding out who I was as a person. I let many things blind me, and I have this deep empty feeling in my stomach that who I wake up as now is just not me at all. I feel so impure.. yet when I go to school I have a bigger smile than what I usually had. I feel so alive yet when I have the time to think about this all I feel like something inside of me has been controlling me all this time. I’m just lost. Just when I thought I was close to finding my true happiness, my true self, it’s gone with a blink of an eye. And I lie to myself saying I don’t know what’s going on but I do and it hurts me more in the end to know that what I want, what I crave, is what is hurting me in the end.. at least in my journey to finding out who I am.. then again, maybe this is me. maybe this is who I am. maybe this reality is just hard to soak in.
whatever it is.. I’m different now. The world I see is different now. The girl I see in the mirror is different now. I’ve changed. I don’t know how to see it.
I’ve always known I was different than most people behavior-wise
sometimes I wonder if it’s just because I’m blinded by something much greater than I am
because I tend to feel all of those negative emotions as well at times
but when I’m not
which is majority of the time
I tend to pity those who are
it’s terrible seeing other people in such pain
especially when I know I’m no where near their sorrow
maybe it’s just their personal problems. maybe it’s just them.
I feel bad
but maybe I’m just bred with utmost confidence, pride, and optimism.
and I should at least be proud of myself for that